Secret Cancer

When my husband has his chemotherapy treatments he is usually fine the day of and the day after. He takes steroids those days. They make him energetic and I can see glimpses of the man I married, I do not see the tried, worn down person he has become. But with many things there is always a downside. The steroids also make him short tempered and extremely constipated.

He cannot sleep because his stomach hurts with the constipation he gets from the steroids. He gets up often, during the night, to try and relieve the constipation. I feel so bad for him and wish there was more I could do. Sometimes my advice is received well and sometimes not. He gets impatient and grumpy, but I know that the constipation will pass in a day or two. Then he will be tired, because his good cells will have been hit hard by the chemo. This will usually help him sleep through the night, so we will be back to sleeping better, until the leg cramps start.

In a few more days, his normal cells will start to recover. Which is good news because that means he can get another chemo treatment. But there are some weird side effects, to his cells rejuvenating. He gets these leg cramps, that send him shouting out of bed in extreme pain, several times a night. This scares me more than anything. It is hard to sleep when this happens. We are stuck in this crazy night cycle.

I feel like this is some form of psychological torture. Waking up several times, in the middle of night, because your loved one is in pain, is not easy. It can be very frightening. I have thought about moving into our guest suite but I do not want to leave him alone with his pain and suffering.