Secret Cancer

This week, I have had to be his voice. He is not doing well and is unable to communicate properly. He has a hard time understanding things going on around him. It has been hard watching him struggle to understand the most simple of concepts. This was the man that took the room with his knowledge and know how. It hurts to see him like this, but a relief also, because he does not mourn the loss of his job or his former life. He simply cannot take it in, but I mourn for him, I feel his loss and his pain eventhough he cannot.

We have always kept our personal life and his professional life separate. Mainly, because I instantly become friends with anyone I meet and he never wanted to be put in the difficult situation where he had to fire one of our friends. I have never met any of the people he worked with but we have always discussed things his colleagues have said or done. I know so much about them and they know little about me.

This week the barrier was broken. My husband was unable to communicate with me and asked me to call his head of HR. I am an open book and my husband is a closed one. We usually tell people that together we are normal. Two extremes that compliment and love each other.

Needless to say, I told his head of HR everything, I even shared this blog!! That triggered an instant response. The company had no idea how bad things have been. My husband was very good at hiding this. An exit agreement was put together and signed. I had to be his voice through it all.

My husband is officially without a title. I am actually glad that this happened. His company and colleagues have been so supportive and amazing during this process. I am incredibly grateful for them. They really care for him and it hurts that he cannot say a proper goodbye to them.

I think about all the warm conversations we have had about them around the dinner table and how much my husband cared about them. He is notorious for never telling people how much they mean to him. He likes to focus on how to make people better, and generally does not give out too many compliments. He always tried to be loyal and supportive of them and I hope they know that. It is stupid really, but I am crying over the loss of people, I have never met.

I am sad that things have ended this way. We should have been more transparent from the beginning, but he wanted to keep this a secret. Even now only a few people within the company or the public really know what is going on. He gets messages everyday from people around the world wondering what’s going on and hoping that he is going to be ok. He has touched so many lives and I am so sad that he will leave this world never knowing the extent of his impact.

He is a man that has worn many hats (boss, leader, colleague, friend, father, son, brother, and husband). I am just so lucky that I have gotten to see him wear all of them. I am going to miss this man and the connection he gave me to the outside world. Life will never be the same.