Secret Cancer

I feel intense grief, crying in the shower has become my normal. It is like half of my body has been ripped away. I feel like someone that has lost an arm and does not remember that it is gone forever. When I see or hear something interesting, my first thought is I cannot wait to tell my husband this, and then I remember that he is no longer here. My life has become full of firsts, first time eating out without him, first time watching our favorite show without him.

The best thing about marriage is that you always have someone to talk to. I am not sure people truly appreciate this when they have it, most people take it for granted. I know I did. I have friends and family that I talk to, but it is just not the same. My husband knew what I was thinking and what I was feeling better than I did. One look was like a full conversation. We loved each other without judgement.

I miss the physical connection also. I miss sitting with him on the couch, holding his hand and cuddling. I miss the kisses and the hugs. I miss waking up to him with love, trust, and understanding in his eyes. I miss the goodnights and the good mornings. I miss him. I am just struck with this incredible loneliness.

While I feel all these things, I also am trying to fill his incredibly big shoes. I suddenly have 100% of the responsibility to keep the house and the family afloat. He was responsible for all of our income and all of our bills. Some bills are going unpaid because I just do not know they exist. I am trying to remember all of his usernames and passwords while spending hours on the phone trying to figure out how to transfer things in my name, which is not easy considering I have no income.

I am also a single parent now. I never wanted this for my children or for myself. I no longer can divide and conquer, there is no one to help carry the load. Divorced parents still have another parent to share the load of parenting and can take some time for themselves. I am my children’s only parent. There is no help in making parenting decisions. If I am sick or not feeling well, there is no one to pick up the slack. There are no sick days. That luxury is gone. I also am having to look out for their mental/emotional health, when all I want to do is just curl up in bed and cry life away.

For me life is like climbing a very steep mountain, without a map or a compass. One wrong move and I fall to my death, I am exhausted, having a hard time breathing, but I carry one trying to reach the plateau at the top. I am not sure when or if I will reach this plateau or even if it exists. I carry on for my husband, who’s dying wish was that me and our children would be ok without him. SO, I carry on.