Category: Uncategorized
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Time does heal
It has been almost a year since my husband passed away. This is the first Christmas without him. He will always be apart of me. Moving on is hard. There will always be apart of me that is sad or just on the brink of crying. A song, memory, just missing him, or wishing he…
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My life now
I feel intense grief, crying in the shower has become my normal. It is like half of my body has been ripped away. I feel like someone that has lost an arm and does not remember that it is gone forever. When I see or hear something interesting, my first thought is I cannot wait…
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Loss and anxiety
Somedays life just seems unbearable. The pain and panic I feel is indescribable. My husband was the world to me. I miss him so much that my stomach is in knots. I feel like I am having a heart attack. The feeling is overwhelming but the anxiety is the worst. He gave me a life…
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Emptiness
I feel nothing, no love, no joy, no anger, nothing. Everything was taken from me. My children laugh and play. I feel nothing. Life is nothing without my husband. I am only a shell. My soul is gone. There is nothing left to give anyone. I am nothing, completely empty.
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How
How do I move on from this? The air has been sucked out of me. It is like I cannot breathe. A big part of me is missing and I just want it back. My husband and I always had a clear path and direction we were moving towards. Now there is nothing, no future,…
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Anger (46)
Right now, all I feel is deep sadness and extreme anger. I’m angry that I have to live life without my husband. I’m angry that life will never be the same. I’m angry that people think that money somehow makes my heartbreak less. People mean well, but really if I have to hear one more…
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Intense loss (45)
My husband passed away in his sleep on the 4th of February. It took me 15 days to realize he is not coming home. I have been so busy planning his funeral being surrounded by friends and family. This helped me live in a safe place of denial. Now, I am faced with this incredibly…
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His voice (44)
This week, I have had to be his voice. He is not doing well and is unable to communicate properly. He has a hard time understanding things going on around him. It has been hard watching him struggle to understand the most simple of concepts. This was the man that took the room with his…
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The hospital bed (43)
It is funny how the one thing you do not want becomes the thing you cannot live without. Today, a hospital bed was delivered to our home. We did not want a hospital bed. I think we just did not want to admit that we needed one. The idea of a hospital bed was so…
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Bad days (42)
I am not sure how to describe the disappointment I feel, when my husband has a bad day or a few bad days. I just want our lives to go back to normal. I want him to be healthy. It is devastating to think that this is not possible. I want him to be able…
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The death of a dream (41)
Cancer does not only kill people but it wipes out their dreams. Dreams of a bright future and the dream of growing old together. Today, my husband’s professional dream died. It was released to the press that he will not be coming back as CEO. The process to replace him has begun. This is sad…
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Hope (40)
The last thing to leave us is HOPE. When the doctors thought my husband was on deaths door. I told them “do not take my hope away”. I need to believe he can survive this” and he did. He survived. The doctors said that the last thing to leave us all, is hope. We as…
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Lost the battle (39)
We met with my husbands oncologist today. He informed us that we have lost our cancer fight. Now, it is just a matter of time. There is nothing more that can be done. This news was not shocking. We have been through a lot, these past few weeks. It is just the last thing to…
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Normal? (38)
Today, is the end of Christmas break and everyone is going back to work and school. Life is returning to normal for most people around us but not us. Our kids are going back to school today after a traumatic Christmas and New years. I’m worried about how they are going to handle this. How…
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We are going home (37)
I cannot believe it, but we are going home. This week has been crazy. I am so happy. We went from him never coming home again to him being on his deathbed to now, going home!!! I am so thankful and just feel like we both have gotten a new chance at life. Friends, Family,…
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Life or death (36)
So New Year’s Day was terrible. While everyone was wishing friends and family a happy new year, we were called to the hospital to say goodbye to husband, father, and son. The doctor believed that my husband was leaving this world behind and we needed to come and say goodbye. This was the worst experience…
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Worst new years ever (35)
So I’m writing this in the hospice care center of the hospital. It is hard to hear things like, end of life care, but here we are on New Year’s Eve. My husband has really deteriorated fast. This took everyone by surprise. My friends and family are all shocked. I’m just trying to survive and…
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Worst Christmas ever (34)
So my husband is back in the hospital. He is having trouble with the ascites. The fluid makes it harder for him to breathe and catch his breath. They started draining him over night but he still is having difficulty breathing. They say that he has the RSVirus. We planned to spend Christmas with his…
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Friends and family (33)
I have had amazing support from friends and family during this troubling time. I cannot image what life would be like without them. I’m glad that they have been with us on this journey. I could only tell a few people about my husbands cancer and they have really supported us. I have friends that…
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Home but fatigued (32)
My husband is home but really fatigued. He does everything in slow motion. I am worried that this may be his last Christmas and he will probably not make it past this week. I cannot explain how fast things have changed for us. I’m in shock. He has been in and out of consciousness and…
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Hospital (31)
So my husband has been in the hospital since Friday. He was acting weird and was just out of it. It really scared me. The doctors are trying to figure out why he is confused and slow. They gave us really scary options. The first being that the chemotherapy has taken a toll on his…
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Going public (30)
A lot can happen in a few days. It turns out my husband’s abdomen was filling up with fluid while I was in quarantine. He had too have 7 liters drained, yesterday. They are planning on putting in a permanent catheter , so they can drain him more easily. This is really sad. They said…
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The 3 Cs (29)
Covid, cough, and cancer. I have been sick with COVID these last few days. I’m finally feeling a little better. I am quarantining in my bedroom and things are ok. I have my own bathroom and tv. I am pretty sure the rest of the house is a mess though. No one ever cleans up…
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Draining day (28)
Yesterday, my husband had 5 liters of fluid drained from his abdomen. I was shocked at what a difference it made. He seemed more like himself and looked more like himself. I just hope that his abdomen doesn’t fill up with fluid again. I have read a lot online about Ascites. Things like, “last stage…
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Enough is Enough (27)
My grandma did not make it in time, for me to say goodbye. She passed away this morning. I am still flying out tomorrow. This Thanksgiving is going to be a tough one. She was always the one to prepare Thanksgiving dinner and make Thanksgiving a happy, loving occasion. I am really going to miss…
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When it rains it pours (26)
This week my husband had another gem/cis chemotherapy treatment. He almost didn’t get it, because a liver value was elevated, but they decided to give it to him anyway. We are thankful he got to get his treatment even though he is miserable now. He is constipated and bloated. The nurses said that next time…
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Faith and cancer (25)
I believe in the power of prayer and in miraculous healing. Doctors say all the time that believing in a higher power helps people do better during treatment. Cancer disappears without a cause all the time. Miracles do happen. God can and has saved people from cancer. I have seen miracles happen in my own…
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Canary Islands (24)
We are on vacation this week with my husbands family. There is nothing like sleeping with the sound of waves right outside your window. Even, when my husband needs to get up in the middle of the night to pee or relieve a leg cramp. The sound of the waves puts us back to blissful…
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Sleepless Nights (23)
When my husband has his chemotherapy treatments he is usually fine the day of and the day after. He takes steroids those days. They make him energetic and I can see glimpses of the man I married, I do not see the tried, worn down person he has become. But with many things there is…
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Rollercoaster (22)
Dealing with cancer is a rollercoaster of emotions. Friday I was feeling great and confident thinking, we are going to beat this thing and now I am feeling doubtful. My husband is tired and does not have an appetite. It is crazy how things can change from one day to the other. He had a…
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Doctor update (21)
We met with the oncologist and things are looking good. I was so worried that he was going to discontinue treatment. I spent all week researching different therapy options. These options are not needed just yet. Feeling super thankful. We are going to continue on Gem/cis but push the rounds a few weeks apart. So…
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Mountain/mole hill (20)
Still trying to make it through this incredibly demanding week. The first doctors visit is done. It went well but that is not the important one, where we are going to discuss treatment options. We haven’t had that one yet. My husband is busy getting ready for the quarterly report and I have been busy…
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This week (19)
So much is happening this week. My husbands company has its quarterly report. As CEO, he has to give a few speeches, speak to investors and analysts, plus do media interviews, some are live and some are for news articles that come out later in the week. I do not know how he is going…
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Novice MD (18)
I spend so much time online researching intraheptic cholangiocarinoma. I think I should enroll in Med school. This cancer is so rare that there is not much research out there. I think I have read every medical record on the subject. I am especially interested in what happens when chemotherapy is no longer an option.…
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Bravery (17)
We are still waiting to hear back from the doctor. I just ran into an old friend of mine. Her husband, a successful architect, had a stroke this summer. She was tearfully explaining the ups and downs they are going through. I felt so sad for them put also this overwhelming guilt. She told me…
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Blood values (16)
So my husband has been on gem/cis for two months now and it is wiping him out. He has not been able to complete a round of treatment because his white blood count gets terribly low. After the first missed treatment, the doctors lowered the dosage to 50 percent. He received one more treatment and…
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The baseball (15)
After this summers pause it was time for a new scan and to begin treatment again. Two weeks after the scan the doctor informs us that there is now a baseball size tumor on my husbands liver!!!! The doctors want to try 5FU again. I pushed back and demanded we try Gem/cis again even though…
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The cough (14)
This summer my husband developed a cough. At first we thought it was COVID but it never went away, even today seven months later he is still coughing. Everytime he coughs I am gripped with fear. Has the cancer spread? Is he dying? I wonder if people are starting to notice that something is up…
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This chemo sucks (13)
Now it’s the end of the 5FU chemotherapy and it did not work like we hoped. The doctors said that it had ok affect but nothing really changed. The cancer did not grow but it did not shrink either plus my husband lost all of his hair. The wig did its job at concealing this…
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Secret hardship (12)
Our lives look amazing from the outside. My husband is having tremendous success as CEO. The share price is booming and he is on the news wearing his wig and no one is the wiser. My kids play multiple sports and everyone now knows what my husband does for a living. It took awhile for…
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Too much info (11)
During my husbands treatment there is always a halfway point where you get a scan and run some blood test to see how the treatment is working. Our doctors meeting did not go so well. First the doctor is super hopeful bc he can see that the treatment is slowing down growth and even shrinking…
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Cancer is back (10)
After living it up, it was time for a new scan. This time it did not go so well. Just before Christmas the doctor called to tell us that there is some cancer activity on the liver and we are going to need to start chemotherapy again. We fly to the US for Christmas and…
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Good times (9)
After hearing all the good news from the doctors, we start living life again. COVID is still a thing and there is still a lot of discussion on how to be responsible. But after living in isolation and dealing with Cancer, we decided to live life. Tomorrow is not promised. It took six months before…
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Operation #2 (8)
So after stopping chemotherapy due to low blood values, we demanded a second surgery. Surgery is the only cure for intraheptic cholangiocarcinoma. The surgery was a success but we still had the lung nodules to deal with. The doctors scheduled radiation therapy to treat those. One month later we get great news. They did not…
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Public vs private (7)
The problem with success and wealth is it throws you into the spotlight even if you do not want to be in it. Everyone thinks they know you or know of you. “My kid is in the same class as this kid and his father is the CEO of …….! Did you hear how much…
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The cancer scam (6)
Cancer is like a big scam. First you think you are going to die and then you don’t. You become a secret cancer survivor. Then it is time for your first check up and you have to relive everything again. The cancer is back. Our check up did not go so well. Still keeping our…
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Too optimistic (5)
After a successful surgery, my husband now has a terribly huge scar on his abdomen but we remain optimistic. A few weeks later we are called into the doctors office. They tell us good news the surgery went well and they were able to remove the tumor but the bad news is that it is…
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Undercover Operation (4)
We are in total shock. One month after my husband lands his dream job, we are faced with a cancer diagnosis. The insane thing about becoming a CEO of a publicly traded company is you are suddenly thrust into the spot light. You receive media training on what to say and how to say it.…
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2020 cancer (3)
I will never forget the year 2020. I’m sure everyone remembers it for COVID and lockdowns. I will remember it as the year my husband finally achieved his goal of becoming CEO. All his work finally paid off. We planned a huge party to celebrate his success, but then Covid happened and the party got…
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Wealthy problem (1)
It did not take me long to realize, that once you marry into wealth, you have to give up your right to complain. Complaining while wealthy is a huge no. I married my amazing husband and my life went into automatic upgrade. I could afford anything I wanted, but my life was still full of…
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New beginning (2)
Fast forward a few years and things are looking up. We moved to another city. The kids are older and in preschool. I learn the language and start making friends. I am living the dream. We are going on dream vacations, throwing amazing dinner parties, and my husbands is on his way to becoming CEO…
Secret Cancer 